Sometimes, I don’t have awesome days. Sometimes, I’m hungry. Sometimes, I’m sleep deprived. Sometimes, I’m Annoyed at how long everything takes here. FOREVER. Seriously.
And some days, my heart feels busted open from all the beauty and love and LIFE.
Sometimes, I’m blown open.
Last week I had such a day. I cried when I saw a beautiful woman walking in a green and yellow dress to the water well. She was singing and it was soul stirring lovely. Ridiculously gorgeous. The sun was shining just so. The light was bright, but welcoming. I stepped outside and closed my eyes, letting the sound of her sweet voice and the touch of the hot sun hit me. I Melted.
I cried when I saw a kid around 12, with tattered shorts and no shoes, playing a 20 oz bottle with a stick. Making music. His rhythm was loud, he didn’t miss an iPod. He was lost in his own song.
I cried when I remembered I’m exactly where I want to be. I chose to come here. I need to remind myself some days, when it feels hard or long or tiring or all of the above, that I’m here for but a blink and by choice.
It’s hard for me to share the intimate details of other people’s stories without it feeling exploitive somehow. One of the most cherished aspects of midwifery for me is that we are able to experience such a deep and intimate space. But it also makes me feel protective. I remember telling some crazy stories after Haiti and having people repeat or share and me wanting to protest or say but, but, but.. Don’t judge- there’s so much more than this one story – there’s so much more! That is why I hesitate to reveal another woman’s story: it’s just not mine to tell.
I will say I’m learning a lot about my craft. Having students has taught me so much! I have to be sure footed(handed?) all the time. And you know what? I like that midwife me better! Even if I’m not exactly sure, I move. I move without looking over my shoulder to see if I’m “right.” I’ve navigated small adolescent pelvises with broad shouldered babies. Thick meconium and floppy babies(too many)~ I’ve watched traditional midwifes catch babies and loved seeing how much we are all the same. Midwives, women- humanity! We are all so much more alike than different. I love us! People! We are part of the beauty of this place. We are part of the ugly too, but we hear about that so much. bad guys vs good guys, big business vs small business and even where I’m from, football games- Michigan vs Michigan State? Maybe we need an enemy? Something to fight against? I will say, I love us. People. I love watching a new mama take in her baby or a papa making the proud call to his own father, all of it! We are the beauty! We are the love.
Bug bite update: I’m quite sure the *spider venom scare was merely a cold coming on. Sigh. But as to not lose my street cred(or hut cred?), I did see a scorpion! And you know what’s so cool (ha!) about Michigan in January? No bugs! Can’t wait.
More soon! xo